Damn... my heart sank. Literally into the abyss approaching oblivion. I can't feel my heartbeat and I bet my dog realized it too. She was always there to sense anything wrong with me. Whenever I'm not my normal self, she would come up to me and demand me to accept her kisses.
Today, she came in to my room, took a glance at me, and retreated. Only a few minutes ago, I found her on my bed, lying there alone. It wasn't a normal sight. We cuddled on the bed for a while, which was very rare with the exception of a few times in her whole lifetime. She wasn't a fan of me hugging her. She would try every mean to run away. Not this time.
I had not expect to fail my new year resolution so early this time round. I'm referring my "new year resolution" as a noun, and it makes perfect sense to say, I failed it. I totally let it, and myself down.
It all started this afternoon. I was in total shock upon seeing something on my facebook. I was at a total loss for words and couldn't react to it properly for a moment. I mean, come on, how many times do you expect a person to screw up something twice, in the similar manner? Once bitten, twice shy. This doesn't apply to me at all. And I'm greatly disappointed with myself for being so ignorant.
The consequence of my first screw-up caused me to be searching for an answer for years. It was something that I could not pull myself out of. I so wanted to know the answer, but was denied the answer repeatedly. Maybe it's only because, I can't accept the fact as the fact. Or maybe I'm right afterall. I don't know.
Recently, I saw my GP teacher back when I was in JC. I did not know what to do. I just woke up from sleeping on the train when I first saw her. I acted like I did not see her, but it was obvious that she recognized me. I guessed it was an awkward situation for us both. It was rumored during my JC times that I hated her for god-know-what reasons. It was totally untrue, but neither did I bother to clarify. In fact, I liked her very much, as a teacher.
She was very friendly and never failed to bring laughter to our class. But there was one thing that I guessed we guys really dislike, was that she was biased towards the girls. Being my competitive self, I sometimes tend to over-react to such situations and it kind of gave people the impression that I hated her. Not forgetting to mention, she was very young, just a few years older than us. It was extremely difficult for me to not treat her like one of my friends. And that was why there were expectations beyond a teacher's role.
I remembered there was once where I was asked to stay back for a "chat". The purpose of the meeting was for her to reveal her intentions to help me with my GP.
I was extremely notorious for not taking language classes seriously. Surprisingly, maybe not to my close friends, I even sat for a Chinese essay paper without my dictionary, late. When I entered the examination hall late, I was asked, "Where is your dictionary?". Come on, who needs a dictionary? I was that arrogant when it comes to language assessments. I was very confident with my command of languages, be it Mandarin or English. To a point where I might have portrayed myself to be excessively arrogant. To that question, I replied, "I don't need one.". True enough, I scored an impressive score for that essay, with only 1 spelling mistake. It was because I did not bother to check through my essay after I was done with it.
Going back to the meeting with my GP teacher, I wasn't receptive at all. I guessed I hurt her feelings with some harsh words. Nothing obscene, just words that nullify her efforts. I didn't thought I required any help from her, and it must be very hard for her since her role was to help us with our GP.
Was it a coincidence that the girl whom I loved back then, totally ignored me...? On that valentine day, under immense peer pressure, I couldn't pick up the courage to ask her out. A few minutes ago, my female classmates were still encouraging me to go for her. Everything changed in just a few moments. I could still remember how crazy it was. They walked past me, ignoring me, not wanting to talk to me, ignored my very existence. What could have gone wrong in that short span of time? This was what went through my mind and is still haunting me at this very instance. I wasn't given an answer and that special girl was very cold towards me since then. No matter how hard I tried, we just couldn't revert to our old self.
She was, and still is, the nicest girl I've ever met. It all started with a little mischief on my side and eventually paid off until then. I had a faulty motherboard and the place where I had to bring it for repair was somewhere near her house. It seemed to be perfectly alright for me to request her assistance in finding that place, but... I wasn't really eager to get it repaired in the first place. I used it as an excuse to ask her out. It was great to have her by my side. She was so ever bubbly and caring and we were able to talk about anything, at least I felt that way. All these, is history now. I doubt she could even remember a single detail, since I was most probably the one who was greatly attracted to her than she was to me.
Since that heartbreaking day, I wasn't able to get into contact with her as much as I would like to have. It had since been awfully awkward between us both. God must have plotted a huge revenge on me for making fun of him with my butt-hole jokes. The first time I saw her after such a long time was at Sim Lim Square. Guessed what? I was buying an Acer laptop from a guy at that moment of time. That guy turned out to be her then boyfriend. How cool is that? If Jesus were to pop up right beside me at that point of time, I swore I would have snapped his neck so fast he wouldn't have noticed it. For me, it was awkwardness to the infinity. It had always been my principle to not be actively involved with girls who were attached. It was common knowledge that many relationships turned sour because of the people around them. I wasn't ready to be part of that, especially when she was that special girl. She made her choice, I should accept it. That was the retarded thought process of mine.
Until recently, I caught news that she was available once again, all thanks to Mark Zuckerberg(in case you don't realise, this guy is responsible for facebook). Being the cautious me, I was reluctant to ask her what happened. I wanted to show concern for her, but it wasn't easy since the last time we had a conversation was light years ago. You know, for a girl to be put out of a relationship that didn't turn out well at her age, it got to be hurting. During those months that she was single, I made little progress as a friend. I didn't know what to say or what to do.
Right now, she is taken again. Fcuk my life. What should I do now? She was the one my new year resolution foretold. I am not ready to go for a test run again. I want someone whom I can trust to be my life-long partner. Nobody fits the bill more than her. I may have took a liking for other girls, but most of them were more of a "Let's try it out and see if this works out" kind of thing. She isn't. I have absolute faith that she would be a good choice for a family. I guess I have to break out of my ancient mindset and make a move this time round. There will be no turning back until I confirm an absolute negative from her. Good luck to me.
