those memories...

All of a sudden, many memories of the past came back to me. I do not know how to respond to those memories... nope, it isn't those horrible memories, but fond memories that was created when i was still in junior college... using my fingers, counting the number of years back then, i barely managed to finishing counting using 1 hand... it has almost been 5 years... back when i was in JC1... whenever someone mentioned about JC life, i would always without fail reply that my JC life was a bore, nothing ever happened... it was true... except for the first few months in JC1...

i was shocked when those memories once again came to my mind. i felt very happy that i still have those memories with me... but at the same time, it seems like those memories shouldn't be retrieved at this point of the time...

back then, i was still an arrogant boy who only have respect for whoever that i believed deserved it... for anyone else, my respect for them was nowhere to be found... it does not mean that i am not the way i was now, but that was the time when i was most rebellious in my life till now... liking someone didn't require any practice or reasoning, and my reason for liking someone in my class was because she was the first to talk to me... come to think of it, it was plain ridiculous... but it was also the start of the birth of the fond memories... at that time, i had a very close female friend... i wouldn't say who and perhaps no one except for she herself will know... there wasn't nothing that we would not talk about. she was always so chatty and lively, at least that was what i observed from her. she also had times when she felt sad... but i hardly got a chance to see it. we had neverending topics to talk about, it was as if we knew each other for life. i even told her that i liked the girl in our class, and i still remembered her telling me that the girl was afraid of cat.

but never did i knew that i would have fallen in love with her... she was the one whom i really liked... not the girl that first spoke to me, but instead, was the girl who was always somehow by my side... i had so much memories of her... having a hearty conversation with her... act as a living dictionary to her... discussing about whether to go for the chalet over irc with her... going to the sports meet with her... her accompanying me to send my motherboard for repair... playing with her hair... so much memories... i was amazed by how much i still remembered about her... despite the fact that the fairytale did not last very long... and the turning point was the valentine day then... after that day... her attitude to me changed... it was as if i was stranger to her overnight... i did not really know the reason behind it... but during that period, it was really heart-breaking... at that point of time... i still wasn't clear if i was in love with her... i did not have the guts to ask her out on the very day... and up till now, i still do not know why the sudden change of attitude after that very day... and i am still accounting it to my cowardice at that moment... was it because i did not take any actions... was it because of my insensitive... or was it such a coincidence that the reason i heard from another friend was true, that your sudden change of attitude to me was attributed to my bad attitude to our GP teacher...? it wasn't as if i was not showing respect to her a few days before the sudden change of attitude... therefore i thought it wasn't really the reason why...

i purposely sent my spare motherboard for repair for the second time, because i wanted your company... i loved the movie "coyote ugly" because you once loved it too... till now... everytime i come across something related to this movie or LeAnn Rimmes... i would think of you... i believed it must be because of me coming across this movie in the NTU download channel that i, all of a sudden, had all the memories coming back to me... now it makes me wonder... am i looking for a relationship because i really liked the girls i saw... or am i just waiting for you... it might also be possible that i have so much memories of you is due to the fact that i spent a significant portion of my happiest moments in life with you... or i am looking for someone who is able to bring me something that you have once brought me... maybe all these memories meant nothing even... or they might meant that a portion of my heart is still yearning for your acceptance... i do not know... and do not want to know too... the fact that you are now happily together with your guy is enough for me to archive all these memories at the back of my head... am i still waiting... perhaps yes, perhaps no... no one knows... let time do the judgement for me...